Throw me a bone

When it rains, it pours around my house.  Here's a summary of what went down in just one day.  Today.

• Gavin Hates, with a capital H, being in the car.  He cried the entire way from Owen's daycare to home - all 20 minutes cuz of damn traffic and what seems like a red light at every stop.  The car must be in motion.  Otherwise forget it.  And that boy can smell a red light from miles away.  I haven't even started to hit the brake and he's wailing.
• Gavin crying blood murder in the car - I can pretty much zone out.  When Owen decides to join the "lets torture mama" screaming choir - I want to seriously drive the car into a pole.  I can at least be hospitalized and get away from this madness for a few days.  Owen cried because something about the gummy snack he was eating.  I couldn't understand him.  He's at that age where he is saying something he thinks is totally right.  But I have no clue. 
• Gavin's normally such a sweet baby.  I don't know what's gotten into him lately though.  He cries (and his cries are the loudest baby cries.  bible.) for about a minute before falling asleep.  I am so nervous he will wake Owen up.  Thank God once Owen passes out, he is OUT.  And one saving grace...he puts himself to bed.  Can you imagine my evenings if he didn't?  I don't even want to think about it.
• My house looks like Toys & Babies R Us threw up in here.
• My car trunk opened and slammed into the ceiling of South Coast's parking structure.  There is a minor scratch.  As of right now, I have no clue how that got there.  Hopefully AP never notices.
• Caught Owen drinking his bath water using one of those bath toy cups.  And guess what he decided to do in the bath today that I noticed as I took the cup away from him.  Just shoot me now. 
• My garbage disposal broke.  I noticed it when I got home.  Tried turning it on and it works but nothing is going down.  So all the miyuk gook and other God knows what I disposed (or TRIED to dispose) this morning....yea...not so disposed apparently.  So the entire house smells like sewer.  And there is murky disgusting water in both sinks.  I'm hoping AP will figure it out.  I don't even like to unclog toilets with a plunger and let it sit there until AP gets home.  Very weak stomach.  But this garbage disposal issue - I just know we'll need to call a handyman tomorrow.  Lets just say using the plunger is about as handy as my husband gets when it comes to fixing things.  We would probably hire someone to change lightbulbs. 
• AP threw a basket of laundry on the couch this morning.  He apparently thought it was washd laundry that needed to be folded.  I just noticed it is dirty laundry that I put out to be washed.  I will karate chop him when he gets home tonight.

Gavin...can we please adjust the volume of your cries?

I don't mind you crying because it's really just in the car. 

But the volume!  Sigh...

I am starving. Had a croissant all day.  But the thought of walking into the kitchen is making me gag right now.  What a great diet plan.  That pill I needed to make my arms, tummy and thighs smaller by next Sunday.  Found it.  A broken garbage disposal!

I so deserve this tonight.  Both bottles.  One for each child.

Doing it solo

Most of the time, I feel like a total foreigner in this land of motherhood.  Not because I don't know how to change diapers or make baby foods - both of which I've gotten down pretty solid.  I think.

Almost everyday I feel like I'm just traveling through parenthood and tomorrow I will somehow magically go back to waking up at 9am, going to the mall whenever I want with just my purse and body and no one else to lug around, eating whatever and whenever I please.  But the truth is, I'm not a foreigner traveling, making a pit stop at parenting.  So why is it that I always feel like tomorrow will be any different?  The same things will unfold tomorrow.  I need to get up at 5am to get Owen out of the crib because he's crying to come jump into mommy and daddy's bed.  I need to somehow master keeping Owen quiet and asleep so he doesn't wake Gavin up and an hour later do the same thing but this time keep Gavin quiet and fed and back to sleep so he doesn't wake his brother up sleeping 2 feet away in our bed.  Going to Target will once again feel like a project.  And there will be zero time for my own meal until both boys are asleep at 8pm. 

Ap's work hours suck.  And honestly, the exhaustion and this feeling of "tomorrow will be better" is because I have to do it all alone most of the time.  The little things like a husband coming home before both kids are in bed, being able to spend both Sat and Sun together as a family...I ask ap when will that happen for us?  But I really shouldn't complain.  I am grateful we both have jobs, a house to call a home, food on our table, and two amazing, healthy boys.  But truth be told...it's tiring and lonely doing it alone 6 days out of the week.  The days ap is home or I know he will be coming home by 7pm, nothing changes - we still have 2 boys in diapers, I still have to pick up Owen from daycare, go get groceries, pump gas...but the drive home just knowing my partner will be home soon makes me so much happier, lighter, and want to whistle home.  Even nights he doesn't make it home before they're in bed but maybe 9pm...I'm still elated.  It does't feel so lonely.  It's not that I need someone to help me bathe them or feed them or clean the house (well...ok, I do need someone to help me clean the house) but I think it's knowing someone older than 2 will be home to converse with me about adult stuff makes me feel human again. 

And of course the guilt sets in, too.  The boys are victims of this exhausted solo mom, because I'm in a rush to put them to bed by 7:30 so I can get some time to breathe and eat a decent meal.  I should keep them up to play with them and read together and watch Yo Gabba Gabba together but heck...all I can think is, is it time for bed yet?  And of course...nights ap is home, Owen goes to bed much later because we don't even realize how fast time's flying by doing all the things I don't do when daddy's not home.  We're just missing one body in the house and it feels just so different.  The harsh reality is - it will always be like this because of the work ap does.  Unless he decides to take an 8-5 desk job again (which will not happen) - I will always fly solo.

Okay, that was my "oh poor me" rant.  Eh - I'll get over.  I do everyday.  I sit here feeling sorry for myself and then realize "oh get over it".  I would choose this over no job, no children, and 7 hours of sleep daily, so I get over it real quick.

Some other breaking news around here...I am going back to work in 2 weeks.  But not back to where I had left in April.  I am leaving the bank.  After almost 6 years....it's a huge leap of faith and scary for me but I just know it's for the better.  I realized staying with the bank was like staying with a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons - comfort, attachment, insecurity (not spoken from own experience but just thinking that's how it must feel).  I realized I didn't want to stay with the bank just because that's all I've known for the last 6 years.  There's gotta more out there and wouldn't you know...there sure were.  Grass is greener on the other side until you have to mow it.  I'm going to go mow that greener grass and see if it's more fulfilling and rewarding. 

We have a family photo shoot in 2 weeks.  Do they sell pills that make your arms, stomach and thighs look half its size overnight?  I need them baaaadly!  And I've been dying to cut my hair.   But I decided to wait until after the photos.  Not sure I want to sport the ajooma cut in these photos.  I'm gonna go short.  Ajooma short. Why?  Because I AM an ajooma.  I now know why moms eventually all have short hair. 

Here are the 3 boys that drive me insane but keep me sane at the same time...

4 Months

That's how longs it's been since we've moved to our new house.  Expecting Gavin and knowing how wild Owen is, our apt was just getting too cramped.  It felt like the apt was getting smaller by the day when in actuality, we (Owen) were just accumulaing more stuff.  It was definitely time for a move.  Or give up these two boys for adoption.  Grandparents would've happily adopted them I'm sure.

4 months and we still have not completely settled in.  I know I carried and popped out a child in those 4 months but I think I'm running out of excuses now.  So I told ap we must complete some walls that need to be dry walled because they're just screaming UGLY everytime I look at them.  And we must get the mirrors up, buy new bed/furniture for Owen's soon-to-be room and organize and furnish the kids' room which is actually the family room in this house.  The main reason we bought this place was because of that room.  We decided we'd use the family room as the kids' room for all their toys and play time.  Because I can no longer stand cursing inside after stepping on another piece of lego in the living room. 

Well....that room is just an enormous mess right now.  No sofa, shelf, nothing yet.  Just ALL of Owen's toys are sitting in there looking ridiculously messy.  So our big project lately has been buying Ikea furnitures to get that room looking the way we intended it to look.  It's been 2 weeks since the project officially started.  And it still looks like this.

Not fun to walk into.  But it is really difficult to get things done in the summer since ap's work hours are ridiculously long and the Sunday he does have off, we spend most of that day outside of home with the kids.  So maybe by Christmas???

The boys have been keeping me busy needless to say.  I've pretty much transitioned him to bottle full time since I will be going back to work soon.  He does not have a very good latch so I think he enjoys the bottle more.  And I'm pumping enough (I think) milk for now so to be perfectly truthful, I'm grateful he doesn't like the boobies so much.  Breastfeeding is tiring!  These suckers have been at work non stop for the last 2 years.  As soon as Owen was weaned, they were getting ready for another baby so I'm giving them a break.  And I don't know how to explain this...

Yes, left is from my left breast and right from my right breast.  I have lopsided boobs.  How does one pump out 3x more than the other every single time?  I'm constantly checking my breasts in public nervous as they get engorged that they're visibly lopsided.  My love/hate relationship with them is taking its toll...

Gavin is growing up so fast.  He's definitely a bigger boy than his brother was at this age...

With Owen, I couldn't wait for him to get older.  Those newborn/infant days were tough with his surgery and hospital visits.  But with Gavin, I just want time to stop so he can stay this age forever....He is such a sweet, easy baby.   Everyone asks "Who do you favor/love more?".  That is such a dumb question of course because there is no right answer, but I know what they mean when they ask.  I never thought anyone could replace Owen but I find myself more affectionate, loving, patient with Gavin.  I know that sounds terrible.  In no way does that mean I'm NOT affectionate, loving, patient (well, ok, maybe not patient) with Owen.  But it's just...different.  I baby Gavin more but I beam with such pride when I see Owen.  I can already see subtle differences in the dynamics of my relationships with the boys so I'm curious and excited to see how it'll be as they (and I) get older.

Okay...pump time!

Milking it

Breastfeeding is wonderful.  Or so they say.  All doctors, books, and every other parent you ask.  I never really considered anything other than breastfeeding with Owen.  And it was not because of books and doctors and other moms who told me how great breast milk is for the baby and how he'll grow up to be a genius vs. formula babies yada yada yada.  Please....  I'm sure there is some scientific evidence on how much more beneficial breast milk is compared to formula but I along with billions of other babies that have walked this eart were fed formula.  And I think we turned out fine.  Had someone asked Bill Gates or Albert Einstein if they were breastfed?  Sadly, my decision was not based on the benefits Owen will reap from breastmilk. (I know...so much for maternal instinct.) My decision to breastfeed took a millisecond when I found out how much formula cost.  And it took an even shorter millisecond when I heard how quickly you can lose your pregnancy weight if you breastfeed.  I am half ashamed and half proud to say I didn't do a single activity that can be considered as "exercise" after Owen's birth, unless you consider walking around Target or Costco "exercise".  Yet, those nasty lbs. sure did come off thanks to breastfeeding (although, you just never look the same no matter what the scale says).

If formula wasn't so darn expensive and the pregnancy fat stayed put no matter how much milk my body extracted, I think I would've decided on formula for Gavin.  Owen never had issues latching on, I enjoyed the bonding I experienced, it was convenient, the pro's can go on an on.  But two words....CLOGGED.  DUCT.  I tell everyone that I'd rather go through contractions at 8cm dilation than clogged duct. 

I had crazy milk supply with Owen.  I seriously believed I was a cow if there ever was a life before this one.  And when you have crazy supply, it means you better nurse or pump every 3~4 hours.  And if you don't...you must pay for it because clogged duct will make it's nasty way to your boobies.  I eventually figured out a rice & sock method that would help it unclog but sometimes it took 2 days of immense pain and effort to get those suckers unplugged. 

So with Gavin, I knew I wanted to control my supply if at all possible.  So I consciously pumped more but less frequently.  And I think my efforts are paying off but now I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to regret this because maybe my supply is TOO low now?  I love that I can go somewhere and not worry about lugging my pump along or finding privacy to nurse because sometimes, you just want to give him a bottle and enjoy what you're out to do.  We went to a wedding this past weekend and I actually enjoyed a couple glasses of wine without worrying about nursing him or feeling my boobs getting engorged as I would have with Owen.  But I hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot. 

Our freezer used to look like this with Owen:

This was just the freezer door.  Imagine what was in the actual freezer!

But now our freezer looks like this:

Now I'm hoping my supply keeps up.  But if someone asked me to choose formula or clogged duct, I'd choose formula in a heartbeat.  So maybe my "lazy" pumping/nursing is going to cost me financially if my supply doesn't keep up.  If that means not ever experiencing clogged duct and more than 1 inch of available space in the freezer for actual adult food, I'm all for it! I used to return ice cream from my shopping cart back freezer whenever Albert reminded me that we had no space!  Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't breastfeeding that helped shed the pregnancy weight but the deprevation from ice cream and frozen pizzas and mandoos back then.