Doing it solo

Most of the time, I feel like a total foreigner in this land of motherhood.  Not because I don't know how to change diapers or make baby foods - both of which I've gotten down pretty solid.  I think.

Almost everyday I feel like I'm just traveling through parenthood and tomorrow I will somehow magically go back to waking up at 9am, going to the mall whenever I want with just my purse and body and no one else to lug around, eating whatever and whenever I please.  But the truth is, I'm not a foreigner traveling, making a pit stop at parenting.  So why is it that I always feel like tomorrow will be any different?  The same things will unfold tomorrow.  I need to get up at 5am to get Owen out of the crib because he's crying to come jump into mommy and daddy's bed.  I need to somehow master keeping Owen quiet and asleep so he doesn't wake Gavin up and an hour later do the same thing but this time keep Gavin quiet and fed and back to sleep so he doesn't wake his brother up sleeping 2 feet away in our bed.  Going to Target will once again feel like a project.  And there will be zero time for my own meal until both boys are asleep at 8pm. 

Ap's work hours suck.  And honestly, the exhaustion and this feeling of "tomorrow will be better" is because I have to do it all alone most of the time.  The little things like a husband coming home before both kids are in bed, being able to spend both Sat and Sun together as a family...I ask ap when will that happen for us?  But I really shouldn't complain.  I am grateful we both have jobs, a house to call a home, food on our table, and two amazing, healthy boys.  But truth be told...it's tiring and lonely doing it alone 6 days out of the week.  The days ap is home or I know he will be coming home by 7pm, nothing changes - we still have 2 boys in diapers, I still have to pick up Owen from daycare, go get groceries, pump gas...but the drive home just knowing my partner will be home soon makes me so much happier, lighter, and want to whistle home.  Even nights he doesn't make it home before they're in bed but maybe 9pm...I'm still elated.  It does't feel so lonely.  It's not that I need someone to help me bathe them or feed them or clean the house (well...ok, I do need someone to help me clean the house) but I think it's knowing someone older than 2 will be home to converse with me about adult stuff makes me feel human again. 

And of course the guilt sets in, too.  The boys are victims of this exhausted solo mom, because I'm in a rush to put them to bed by 7:30 so I can get some time to breathe and eat a decent meal.  I should keep them up to play with them and read together and watch Yo Gabba Gabba together but heck...all I can think is, is it time for bed yet?  And of course...nights ap is home, Owen goes to bed much later because we don't even realize how fast time's flying by doing all the things I don't do when daddy's not home.  We're just missing one body in the house and it feels just so different.  The harsh reality is - it will always be like this because of the work ap does.  Unless he decides to take an 8-5 desk job again (which will not happen) - I will always fly solo.

Okay, that was my "oh poor me" rant.  Eh - I'll get over.  I do everyday.  I sit here feeling sorry for myself and then realize "oh get over it".  I would choose this over no job, no children, and 7 hours of sleep daily, so I get over it real quick.

Some other breaking news around here...I am going back to work in 2 weeks.  But not back to where I had left in April.  I am leaving the bank.  After almost 6 years....it's a huge leap of faith and scary for me but I just know it's for the better.  I realized staying with the bank was like staying with a boyfriend for all the wrong reasons - comfort, attachment, insecurity (not spoken from own experience but just thinking that's how it must feel).  I realized I didn't want to stay with the bank just because that's all I've known for the last 6 years.  There's gotta more out there and wouldn't you know...there sure were.  Grass is greener on the other side until you have to mow it.  I'm going to go mow that greener grass and see if it's more fulfilling and rewarding. 

We have a family photo shoot in 2 weeks.  Do they sell pills that make your arms, stomach and thighs look half its size overnight?  I need them baaaadly!  And I've been dying to cut my hair.   But I decided to wait until after the photos.  Not sure I want to sport the ajooma cut in these photos.  I'm gonna go short.  Ajooma short. Why?  Because I AM an ajooma.  I now know why moms eventually all have short hair. 

Here are the 3 boys that drive me insane but keep me sane at the same time...