home sweet home

feels so good to be home after a few grueling days at CHOC.  it was uncomfortable and tiring to say the least for ap and i, so i can only imagine how it must've been for owen, all the wires, nurses coming in/out every 1/2 hour, another child crying just a curtain away, machines beeping every other minute, and of course - the surgery wound pain!  his sleep pattern is completely off now.  we definitely need to work on that. but at this point, that is the least of our concerns.  just having owen home after a successful surgery is a huge sigh of relief for us.  now, it's just a matter of how well he recovers and how many kisses and hugs i can squeeze in everyday.

at choc.  he's not so happy.  we love the staff there...but yea, lets not ever go back!

my maternity leave is coming to an end pretty soon.  i still have the 6 weeks of bonding time but i know how fast 6 weeks goes by.  but i am so relieved that owen will be home with either ap or me with only a couple of hours w/pt nanny or daycare.  we haven't decided which route to go.  nanny or daycare.  i don't know how easy it will be to find someone who is willing to come to care for a baby only a couple hours a day, couple days a week.  it's a task i've been procrastinating, more like in denial that i am going back to work soon.  one thing i do oddly appreciate is owen waking up around 5am everyday to nurse.  it's a natural alarm clock that i will need to get used to since that's when i'll need to get up for work. but i'm so gonna miss sleeping in in the mornings after that 5am nursing.  ap's been just amazing, getting up to feed and play with owen allowing me to sleep in, even when i'm sure he's just as tired from working.  it's kind of a routine we naturally just fell into.  they leave to get me some breakfast and spend some daddy&me time together and wake me up around 9 to eat and nurse owen and then off he goes for his morning nap.  i'm worried my body is so used to these morning sleeps that i won't be able to function at work.  and i'm still not drinking caffeinated coffee so ugh~ no bueno!

i know i should be grateful but can i just say how annoying pumping is!!  i wish i can just nurse owen and it ends at that.  i have to pump extra milk out even after nursing, otherwise the OO's get engorged and/or supply dwindles.   this means i don't have the luxury to just fall right back asleep after nursing owen.  i have to go to my pump area, spend another 10~15 mins pumping.  so you can see how feeding/pumping process can take about 45mins~1hour every session!  it's crazy tiring and i hate it.  i feel like a cow.  i love everything about motherhood except these ridiculously large OO's and the over abundance of milk.  i'm tempted to just cut back on the demand so the supply goes down by not pumping but i've gone through the pain of clogged duct (NOT fun!) and scared my supply will vanish completely.  i don't want to deprive owen for my comfort.  at this rate, i can probably wean owen off my breast at 6 months and he'll still have enough frozen breast milk to last him an add'l 6 months....i mean, look at these! 

we have absolutely no more room in the freezer.  in fact, he had to throw away the 2 gigantore bags of milk i had pumped while at CHOC.  such a waste!

it's almost time for owen to wake up from his afternoon nap.  it's such a nice day out today - gonna take him out for a walk and stroll on over to barnes & noble!  i need to lose the last 10 lbs!  ugh - why are the last 10 lbs so hard to shed!!!  the first 25 was effortless, literallly.  i didn't move a finger.  the boobs did all the work.  sucks the last 10 requires some actual exercise on my part.

owen's first christmas

this year's christmas just came and went in the blink of an eye.  i think we were so wrapped up in taking care of a newborn, adjusting to his sleep/nursing schedules,  figuring out his little nuances, and handling all medical necessities and scheduling for owen kinda took us out of the holiday mood leading up to christmas.  but we also didn't feel the holiday spirit since we really didn't do much christmas shopping which really gets you in the mood.  most of our shopping was done over the summer and shopping w/a newborn is not that easy!  however, this year's christmas was extra special and Christ's birth date was celebrated with a grateful spirit than any other year thanks to this little guy.

ap's family came over this year for the gift exchange and dinner.  i think they'll travel across the country to come see owen everyday if they could.  :)  all of our family and friends just adore him and we get a kick out of seeing them fight for his attention and time.  everyone comments on what a good baby he is, never fussy or cries to be held and can just chill by himself or people crowding around him.  and his cries are just whimpers which are so cute, not real cries.  even when we visited our uncle's and my mom's recently, he went down for his naps so well.  with loud commotion and chaos outside the room, owen still went down for his naps and didn't make a peep until he woke up.  we had to keep checking on him thinking something was wrong. 

owen's also sleeping through the night now.  i put him down around 7:30 and he wakes up once around 1am to nurse and falls right back asleep until morning.  i still can't believe how easy and calm he is considering how uncomfortable his tummy must be.  we agreed with the ped to wait on sleep training until after the surgery and recovery.  but not sure if there is any real training to do seeing how good owen is already.  he will be transitioning to his own room and crib after the surgery though, so i'm sure there'll be some adjustments for everyone. 

here are some photos from christmas...wish i had taken some more with family instead of just owen by himself.  but can you blame me...i think i only have eyes for him lately!  :)

our mini tree.  it's served us so well for so long.  maybe an upgrade next year haha.

he laughs and coo's so much now!  cracks me up, wondering what he finds so amusing.

owen's already getting too big for 3mo outfits, especially length wise.  is that common?  ap thinks it's a sign he'll be tall.  i just think - crap!  we're running out of clothes! nb sizes don't fit at all now.

daddy has to shave everyday now

with gomo helen~

Owen's birth & etc...

it has already been nearly 7 weeks since Owen's birth!  where does the time go?  we remind ourselves everyday to soak all of these newborn days in.  baby years go by way too fast.  even the middle of the night waking and feeling like a zombie lately are blessing to us.  especially considering how Owen spent his first 10 days of life in the nicu at choc, we count our blessings and thank the Lord every.single.day.

labor and delivery was so much easier than i had expected.  i seriously psyched myself out so much during the last few days of pregnancy, preparing myself for the worst possible pain and torture known to mankind.  but yes, labor was painful at 5cm dilation until i asked for epidural.  smooooth sailing from there on!  i slept through most of the labor after that since i got the epidural at 11pm and delivered owen 11am the next morning.  i only had to push 4 times so the delivery was definitely short and sweet, which i thought was going to be a hellish experience.  in fact, it was one of the most amazing, lets-do-that-again sort of experience.  can't even describe in words what those 10 minutes of pushing to having owen in my arms felt like.  the nurse was more concerned about ap than me, giving him an oxygen mask and a chair since she really thought he was going to pass out.

now l&d was easy.  what wasn't so fun nor easy was what unfolded 24 hours later.  it's an experience no parent should ever go through and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone.  ap and i have been through some traumatic, heartbreaking experiences together but nothing can compare to what we went through the first few days of Owen's life.  but looking back at that night dr. bixby rushed us to choc for what they thought owen needed was an emergency surgery, it is a miracle to be where we are today. 

Owen is now almost 7 weeks old and we just got word today that his surgery is scheduled for Jan 7th.  Owen has been gaining weight, nursing, pooping (surprisingly, given his condition) very well.  there was a stretch of days when he did not pass stool on his own but lately, he's been amazing!  i cannot believe how strong, brave the lil guy is.  we're so thankful to have caught owen's condition of hirschprung's early so he doesn't have to suffer through childhood only to have the surgery later in his life, when he'll remember the pain and discomfort.  i thank God for giving me the maternal instinct to press for answers at hoag when i just knew something wasn't right even when everyone else, including the pediatrician, brushed it of as gas.  i don't like to think "it could've been worse", because we have seen what "worse" is in other newborns during those 10 long, grueling days in the nicu.  i told myself then that i'm not going to thank god that owen isn't like some of those other babies, because that's not fair to those other precious babies and their parents.  i just thank god that owen's still with us and pray for every single baby on that floor.

Owen - daddy and i are so grateful.  grateful that you are our child.  grateful that you are with us in our home. grateful that despite all of this, you are such a good, calm, gentle baby who is not fussy as you should be with such an upset belly.  thank you for choosing us to be your parents.  God couldn't have given us a better baby.  despite the little obstruction in your tummy, to us, you are perfect the way you are.  you have changed our lives in more ways than anyone can imagine.  not only because we are now parents but the past 7 weeks have taught us more life lessons than the prior 30+ years. all the things in life that we cared about before combined are so minute compared to the importance of your health and our family of three now.  it hurts us so much to watch you go through this, but because of this, we experience greater joy in watching you grow, having you in our lives.  it makes us appreciate and love you and each other even more. 

God has His Hands in everything.  i'm ashamed to admit that i recognize that only when things like this happen to slap me silly.  it's painful but truly humbling to experience the road bumps in our lives that God lays out and orchestrates.

here are some photos of owen! and a passage i came across recently so poignant and heartfelt, hitting close to home for us...

“I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions. ‘God will never place a burden on you so heavy that  you cannot possibly carry it.’
Really?
My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on Him.
‘My power is made perfect in your weakness,’ He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this-God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace.”
-Greg Lucas

he's probably like 5 minutes old here :)

i never knew babies can clasp their hands like this, too!  he's praying~

hip hop owen w/mommy (man, i look exhausted!)

owen in the nicu.  choc staff is just amazing!

ap took this picture - owen loves touching his face when he sleeps!  his u/s picture at 20 weeks showed the same pose.

birth plan

i mean, really.  what the heck is a "birth plan"?  isn't the plan to just have the baby as swiftly, safely as possible?  especially this being my first pregnancy, how are first time mommies supposed to "plan" their birth when we don't even know what to expect?  at this point, i don't even know what real contractions feel like, let alone know what to do during labor & delivery.  my plan is simple - have the baby.

but my dr and hoag had asked me to complete their birth plan worksheet.  do i want a birthing ball in the room?  do i want to take a shower or bath during labor?  do i want a rocking chair?  who can be in the room during birth?  do i want pain medication?  uh....honestly - "i don't know" is the answer to all.  i don't know WHAT i want because i don't know what works and doesn't work for me.  so i hope the hospital doesn't stick to my yes/no answers like they're permanently engraved.

the only thing i am sure about is that i want to avoid going to the hospital early only to be sent back home.  i know that's not completely within my control since i might be such a sucker for pain that i think the baby's seriously about to come out and we rush us to the hospital only to find out i'm only like 1/2 cm dilated.  i want to avoid early medical intervention so would like to stay home as long as i possibly can.  but at the same time, i don't want to get to the hospital so late that it's too late for an epidural if i choose to take it.  damn~~ this is harder than memorizing SAT words!  how am i supposed to get this timed perfectly!

ap says i'm probably gonna ring for the anesthesiologist the second i feel contractions.  he obviously doesn't have confidence in my pain threshold.  but trust me, i am not gonna fight epidural off just to prove a point to my husband.  i don't care if my husband thinks i'm a sucker.  i'll ask for the meds on my terms.  no need to be a hero.  won't make a mom who delivered med free next door any better of a mom than me who might want to relieve not just myself from pain but people around me from pain when i wail like a 5 year old and curse like a sailor.  but my biggest turn off about epidural is that it'll prolong the labor process.  i'd rather get it over with short and not-so-sweet than long and sweet.  ah...we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

so just yesterday i was hoping this baby would come out like asap.  but ap actually did start his new job today so at this point, it really doesn't matter when the lil guy comes.  of course, i'd want him to come soon but my big fat reason wanting him to come like yesterday is no longer that fat.  ap's employer is aware that i'm ready to pop any second so they'll allow him to leave at my phone call.  he won't get paternal leave days since he just started but i think we'll be okay.  my mom will be staying with us for a couple of weeks so i'm sure we'll be in good hands.  what i am super excited about are possible upcoming vacations we'll be able to take w/o worrying about hotel cost!  i've already told him vancouver is on the top of my list since we had to cancel our anniversary trip 2 years ago. 

and i have accomplished my goal in getting salad bbang and mamma cozza.  i even devoured a large claro's sandwich on sunday.  so bad since deli meat is a no-no but it was soooo tempting and good!  and whenever ap orders wine or beer, i just take a big sniff and believe it or not, does somewhat satisfy me.

hopefully this is my last post before he's here!  not crazy about the idea of our parents driving in this rain to come to the hospital so i wouldn't mind if he decides to hold off for a couple more days.  just come out healthy lil man!

triggering labor...

i know i have 6 days left before my due date but dear God, please can he come out like...now?  please???!!!

i'm not unbearably uncomfortable or in pain or tired of being pregnant.  in fact, i feel perfectly fine.  well, okay, maybe not at 2am and 3am and every hour after that until 8am, when i get up to go pee and feel the aches & pains in my hips and bellly.  but other than the middle of the night aches, i feel darn good at 39 weeks+ pregnant.  and i don't mind getting to 40+ weeks b/c i know the safest place LO can be is in my womb.  however...i want him out.  for one big fat reason.  good (GREAT!) news is ap got offered the perfect job!!  the work hours/days, the perks, the potential - we count our blessings and thank the Lord every day.  with him finishing up school in december, timing couldn't be more perfect.  or could it?  the bad news is his first day at work will be either tomorrow (yikes) or this thurs or next monday. we'll find out today.  ideally - i'd want him to start next monday and the baby come like...tonight!  that way - ap can spend a week with the baby at home before starting his new job.  he won't get time off since it's a new job, so i REALLY need the LO to come like asap~!  so...how can i trigger labor?  i don't even feel contractions, just slight dull cramps at night for like 30 mins...that's it!

here are some labor triggering trickeries i've been told/read:

• i have been in major nesting mode.  cleaning, dusting, scrubbing, lifting, washing like crazy.  i heard that you get a burst of energy as you get closer to labor but i think my energy is working ot.  i can't even sleep at night.  i go to bed around 2am and can't really sleep sleep and next thing i know it's 9am and i'm up watching regis&kelly.  but i also heard lifting things and cleaning can bring on labor.  anxiety+impatience has made me mrs. clean lately.  i say this as i sit next to the vacuum i'll be using in like 5 mins
• i've always loved spicy food.  but i'm chomping on jalapenos and kimchi like never before.  in fact, i'm going to make some dduk bo ggi for lunch - a hella spicy one.  yea, i'll suffer from heartburn later tonight but that's what tums is for.  this trickery isn't too difficult to follow for me.
• herbal tea.  i've been avoiding caffeine but heck - if something as simple as a cup of tea will get my contractions going, i'm all over it.  we went to teavana yesterday and oh.my.gawd their youthberry tea is the most delicious treat!  i think i can chug a liter in one sitting.  so we brought home 2 large tins of youthberry and wild orange tea.  drank a cup this morning.  maybe i need to drink about 5 more cups today and hopefully i'll be holding a baby in 24 hours.
• i hate walking.  i used to drive to imperial burger right behind my house in bp.  ap tries to persuade me to walk to barnes&noble right next to our apt but he fails every time.  it feels like a whole city away although it's probably less than a mile away.  but i'm not myself lately.  i've actually been walking!  lately, i go to target, ikea, south coast, home goods, spectrum, costco and walk around for hours.  ok so that's "shopping" not "walking", but it involves walking, right?  at the end of the "walk", i try to feel if the baby feels lower.  no such luck yet.
• supposedly fresh pineapple can trigger labor.  i should call ap to stop by ralphs and pick some up on his way home.  any triggering trickery that involves eating - easy peasy!  
• ok warning...TMI.  so supposedly semen contains some kind of magical hormone that induces labor.  honestly, having sex is not that difficult.  c'mon...we're all human!  but (a big BUT) - when you're 39 weeks pregnant - any animalistic needs in that dept are so thin if not nonexistent.  since 3rd trimester rolled around, we're lucky if it happens once a week.  really - sex is not that fun when you're carrying a giant basketball.  however...i think this trickery is the most trustworthy since it's what i've read and heard the most, so if it means softening my cervix, bring it hubs!
• castor oil???  ok, i take back what i said about "any triggering trickery that involves eating - easy peasy!".  

ok...gotta go vacuum and drink another cup of youthberry tea with some pineapple then hit up target again, maybe walking there today and ap will get some action tonight.  at least one of us is thoroughly enjoying this waiting game.

any day now?

his head is down according to dr. s and the fetal distress test i took last wed.  i see the dr. every wed now until the due date which is exactly 2 weeks from today.  i cannot believe i'm 38 weeks.  i feel like i'll be pregnant forever.  it hasn't hit me that in as little as 1 day and as much as maybe 3 weeks, i will hold our little baby in my arms.

some quick random updates:

how low can he go!!  he's always sat low since i started showing, which a lot of people told me was a dead giveaway that it was a boy.

the nursery is pretty much set.  i just need to tidy it up once the glider/ottoman comes this week.  everything in the room is just waiting for it's place in the room since i need to figure out where to put the glider.  but here is a peak...

before...

...and after.  i really did not want a nursery that screamed THEME or BLUE or MATCHY MATCHY.  we painted the wall light pool with sage green bed sheet/skirt.  both colors match the softest blanket yumi gave the little guy.  that's pretty much the only colors that match anything in the room.  no jungle, winnie the pooh, or airplane themes. i just wanted to keep it simple and light.  i really wanted a white glider to match the room but ap won that battle - it'll be cherry wood.  he said white glider looked tacky.  what about the entire nursery then!?!

 we got this swing from a family friend as a hand me down.  it was missing the mobile of stars/moon that hung from the top.  helen recently bought the little guy a bunch of finger puppets so i did a little fix to the swing by using the finger puppets for the mobile.  once he outgrows the swing, i'll have to take the little animals out so he can play w/them for what they really are. :)

the car seats are installed and set as instructed (i think...i've questioned ap about 54 times...God bless his patient heart).  the stroller is assembled.  loved how everything was just snapping pieces into place, no tools/screws/bolts required for this thing!

i've been on maternity leave 2 weeks now but feels like 2 months! i was super busy the first week off, putting the new apt and nursery together, shopping for random things, but now - i'm just anxious and don't know what to do w/my time besides catching up on grey's and modern family on demand.

two things i told ap i must eat before i go into labor.  those salad bbangs (sandwich is more like it) at a korean bakery.  haven't had one since like high school!  mama cozza in anaheim.

speaking of eating...maybe i should think twice about the above.  warning - TMI.  for about 3~4 days now, i've been dealing with diarrhea like you wouldn't believe.  i've read that it's common as you get close to labor and it might be a mix of contractions/diarrhea pain.  never experienced real contractions so not sure what they feel like but my diarrhea pain lately feels like hell.  no joke - i get to meet what i ate in the restroom 15 minutes after the meal.  that's not normal.  it's as if my intestines decided to stand up straight.  i'm scared to go anywhere.  not because i'm afraid my water will break but because i don't know when the next d. attack will happen!  last night, we went to go watch the town (loooved it~ developed a slight crush on ben affleck) but i was nervous the entire time that i'd need to get up all of a sudden and bolt to the restroom like my life depended on it.  definitely asking the doc about this on wed.

i think i might have passed the mucus plug.  i thought i saw what looked like it yesterday in the toilet (my one of many trips!) and stared at it forever but couldn't determine what it was.  they say once you pass your mucus plug, you can go into labor within a couple of days.  i guess only time will tell if that really was the mucus plug.

as much as i want this baby to come out asap, i wouldn't mind if he takes his time.  the safest place he can be in is in my womb and the longer he stays in it, the better they say.  as long as he's not like 10 days past due and 10 lbs.  and ap said the other day that he'll miss me being pregnant.  i think i kinda will, too.

7 weeks to go...

thank God this ‘lil guy has some grandparents and aunts who are willing&able to spoil him already because let it be known now – his mama and pops are all about budget! only if we can win the lottery and become billionaires, or just millionaires, the question would be - what can we not buy for him! but having a baby is not cheap and we’re learning that daily as we prepare to welcome the lil one soon. pretty much everything has been purchased/gifted/handed down (mostly gifted) so all we need to do is push this guy out and he’ll have lots of goodies awaiting him. ap’s sister is on a buying frenzy as if she’s having this baby. actually – she does call him her baby. lol. MIL said half of her room was a storage for the baby’s gifts before the shower. she says she’s determined to become the lil guy’s favorite aunt. i think she’s definitely winning that race already so she has nothing to worry about. she calls every day to make sure ap gets the whooping cough vaccine, she’s made appts for her parents to get the shots, she’s gotten him more clothes and toys than everyone else combined. i promised her that i’d remind the lil guy later of all her efforts. :) MIL got us this stroller & a whole lotta jacadi outfits and luxury swaddlers. while I’m extremely grateful, don’t get me wrong, I’m worried. his mom&dad will be dressing him in $5 onesies and shirts. if he thinks how gma dresses him is how his style will be, he can check that fantasy in the womb before he comes out!

stroller, crib, car seat, glider, diaper bags - all are checked.  now, it’s all the little things for the nursery that i'm browsing around for. and boy do those things add up too! geez! i purchased a couple of things from etsy so far but am going to hold off on everything else I’ve eyed until he’s here. These were too adorable (and on sale) to pass up!

i have a picture in my head of what i want the nursery to look like but until i start putting it together, i don’t think it’s very smart to just buy everything just because “it’s cute!”. we weren’t going to have a nursery for him when we bring him home from the hospital since we’re in a 1 bdrm right now, but plans have changed recently. we were given an opportunity to move into a 2brdm for a kick-ass price at the end of this month that we just could not pass on. it’s highly unlikely the pricing would be the same come february, and we really need the extra space like now, so we’re moving in 3 weeks, the weekend i start my leave~ can't wait!  that’ll give me 3~4 weeks to get his nursery ready. i think we’ll move first and set up his furniture & arrangement before i purchase any more décor items. otherwise, ap will hang himself, seriously. ap has taken it upon himself to do some accent walls in the new apt. i really want to help because i’ve always wanted to paint! i know – that sounds ridiculous but whenever i see those home depot commercials w/women painting their walls – it looks so fun! he says i shouldn’t help him because of the paint smell but I think if I wear a mask, i’ll be fine. no?

as for the name game. i’ve won! it was a hard fought battle, but I knew i’d pull through. ap’s too nice to ever not let me win in the end. :p. it came down to 1 thing. he said i can name our child if i ate pho just once w/him. believe me, you’d think i’d jump at the chance cuz it sounds easy enough right? uh, not when you’re me! asking me to eat pho is like asking anyone else to eat oh, I don’t know…a cockroach! i lashed out asking why he’d want to torture me! does he take pleasure in seeing his wife suffer? but I did it.

and honestly, it wasn’t like eating cockroach, fine. but it was still pretty darn gross. but oh so worth it! we have a name!!!